There are many aspects of my life that are plain to see filled with peace and joy, and then there are others where there is nothing but conflict and strife. The first is external for all the world to see and the second is where all I have is an audience of One. I do feel that the more holy and righteous I strive to become to be able to glorify the Lord Jesus, the more I experience the idea of being stalked by demons while guarded by angels. Lately the warfare goes on in the early morning, between 1-3 am with nothing but tossing and turning with little relief. I have read and re-read the bible and searched for peace and also developed a deep awareness of what is written in *Ephesians 6:12 For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.* as well as *1 Peter 5:8 Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour.* and feel like I am being attacked relentlessly in every way imaginable. I often think about the words of Charles Spurgeon where he said, “The Lord gets His best soldiers out of the highlands of affliction.” and feel like I should be ready to battle a legion of demons by now. Spurgeon himself battled severe depression, exhaustion, insomnia, and spiritual heaviness while remaining deeply rooted in Scripture. That gives me some comfort when speaking about inward darkness alongside visible ministry and joy that comes while helping others through their struggles of life. I do realize that not every dark feeling is a demonic attack. There are nights where emotional exhaustion settles into my bones, yet my mind refuses to rest and my spirit feels pressed from every direction. In my life I cannot remember having my heart led to read my bible, pray for His presence, and worship my Lord and King as much as I have of late. At times I feel isolated within my own thoughts, carrying burdens I cannot fully explain to those around me without sounding unstable or defeated. The silence of the early hours often feels louder than the noise of the day, as if every weakness and fear rises up to accuse me all at once when life should be most peaceful. I continue praying even when heaven feels quiet, because somewhere beneath the heaviness I still believe God hears the cries I cannot put into words, and comforts my heart that is broken for so many reasons. There are moments where I question whether I am enduring refinement in the furnace of affliction, purified in the crucible, or simply collapsing beneath the weight of prolonged weariness. And in those moments when the weight and pressure feels unbearable and my strength seems completely spent, I cry out to God with everything left in me, asking Him not to let my faith fail in the darkness. I plead for His mercy to break through the noise of fear, exhaustion, and despair, and for His presence to remind me that I have not been abandoned to fight alone. I used to think that my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling, but I am confident that He hears and gives me a little reprieve here and there as He sees fit. Even through tears, confusion, and sleepless nights, there remains a stubborn hope deep within my spirit that Christ is still holding me together when I no longer feel capable of holding myself together. Even so, I keep returning to Scripture day and night, and now early morning, because it remains the only place where my soul finds any lasting anchor when everything else feels uncertain and shaken. Yet in the midst of all of this, I still see small evidences that God has not abandoned me. There are brief moments of calm that arrive without explanation, like mercy breaking through the clouds for just long enough for me to breathe again and start anew with the next sunrise. One of the Bible verses I cling to is *Proverbs 3:5 Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. 6 In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].* I believe the Lord is still near to the brokenhearted even when my emotions cannot fully sense His presence and my heart is troubled. Though the battle has been long and exhausting, I trust that God will eventually bring rest, clarity, and peace that no darkness can counterfeit or take away either in this life or the one to come. Over the years in ministry I have come to understand that no matter what burdens a person carries, whether spiritual, emotional, mental, seen or unseen by everyone around them, that God is watching over them. I also  believe many people are fighting battles they rarely speak about openly. If anyone reading this finds themselves exhausted, discouraged, or searching for peace in the middle of darkness, I hope they know they are not alone in that struggle. My brethren, when the journey is long and the battle is fierce, and you feel as if the end is near, call out to the seasoned saints around you and fight your battles with them, for we are fighting from victory and not for victory. May we all continue seeking truth, grace, healing, and the kind of peace that reaches beyond our understanding even in the hardest and challenging seasons of life. Please pray for me as I pray for all who read these words. 

My BeLoved, may the grace of the Lord Jesus, and the love of God the Father, and the communion of the Holy Spirit, be with you all. Amen. In Christ Love, douglas. HE>i. pastord.blog

Special Note: I want to thank those who read what I write and are encouraged to give either one time or have decided to give on a monthly basis in support of the different ministries God has entrusted to me. I am encouraged to see certain verses playing out before my eyes like what is written in *Philippians 4:16 For even in Thessalonica you sent aid once and again for my necessities. 17 Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that abounds to your account.*

To any who are interested, please feel free to reach out to me with prayer requests, questions, encouragement, or for information on how to come alongside me with financial support for the ministry activities that God has entrusted to me at pastord.blog@gmail.com or I do have a Zelle account associated with my phone number, 5202720387 last name Blaser. Thank you my Beloved for your ongoing prayers and support.