There are probably a lot of different ways people could describe me, and I am sure some of them would be more flattering than others. I have spent enough years on the earth to know that I am not the same person I was twenty, ten, or even five years ago. Some of that change has come because of age, some because of experience, some because of consequences, but most of it is because God has continued to work on me even when I was not particularly interested in being worked on.
I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. Some were small and quickly forgotten. Others left scars on me that still last today. I made decisions that I thought were right at the time and later realized I had really poor discernment. I have had opportunities that I did not recognize until I had missed them. I have disappointed people, been disappointed by people, and more than anything else managed to disappoint myself every time I look in the mirror and see a man who seems to struggle in ways that he shouldn’t. There are things I wish I could go back and do differently, but I am working at accepting that wishing does not change history but only prolongs the pain. All it really does is keep me standing in yesterday while today continues moving without me, and tomorrow is already tainted.
I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that I cannot separate the man I am from the mistakes that helped shape me. That little bit of information has helped me change the way I look at my past. I would love to tell you that every difficult experience made me wiser immediately, but that would be a boldface lie. Sometimes I had to learn the same lesson more than once. Sometimes I knew exactly what I should do and did something else anyway. Sometimes God made the right direction obvious and I still managed to take the scenic route. But somewhere along the way, I began to understand that God was not asking me to become someone who had never failed. He was asking me to become someone who would allow Him to use those failures to change others.
After many years of failing I figured out how I learn best, and it is usually the hard way. I don’t have to pretend that my mistakes did not happen. I don’t have to make excuses for them. I don’t have to dress them up and call them “life lessons” just because that sounds better. Some things were simply poor and ungodly choices, and I own them. But I also don’t have to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for decisions that I cannot go back and change. There is a difference between taking responsibility and refusing to accept forgiveness, and I struggle with the forgiveness aspect more than anything.
I am thankful for verses like Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. That verse means something different to me now than it once did. I used to think forgiveness meant forgetting what happened. I don’t think that anymore. I think forgiveness allows me to remember without allowing the memory to become my identity. Today I can acknowledge where I went wrong, but I will not always be the person who got it wrong. I have heard many people say in small group meetings, “Hi, my name is _______ and I am an (name your problem). For me, “My name is Douglas and I am a Christian who struggles with life.” I have struggled with alcohol, drugs, and a few other things that I am too ashamed to mention but God is at work in my life and His grace is greater than my sin.
I guess that is why I cling to certain verse so tightly, like what is written in 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life]. I want that more and more every day.
Maybe that is part of what God has been teaching me all these years. I am not required to remain the man I once was simply because I remember being him. If only those who knew me then would realize that the man they knew before I met Jesus is dead and gone. In Christ, there is room for change. There is room for growth. There is room to become something different than I was yesterday. And by God’s grace that sanctification process will continue until He comes to be with me or I go to be with Him.
I have been many versions of myself. Some I am proud of. Many more I am not. But God has been present through all of them. I have always had an audience of One ahd for me that is uncomfortable. When I look at the man behind the story, I don’t see somebody who has finally arrived. When I look in the mirror I see somebody still learning. Still growing. Still making mistakes. Still trying to understand what God wants from him. Still trying to love people better. Still trying to become the kind of father, grandfather, friend, and Christian that he knows he should be.
Maybe that is enough for today. Maybe I don’t have to have the finished version of myself figured out. Maybe I simply need to keep allowing God to work on the version of me that is standing in front of Him right now. I have peace because of what is written in Philippians 1:6 And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.
That may be the part I believe most strongly now. I am still unfinished. God is not finished with me. I as a man am imperfect. But I am still here surrendering to a perfect God and to His will and purpose for my life. And I am still willing to be changed. I am trying to become a better man because I know exactly what I am capable of when I don’t surrender myself to the Holy Spirit’s leading. If nothing else happens because of writing this I pray that my family will some day see that their father/grandfather was a human being who struggled, failed, believed, changed, and kept going. I am a man who finally stopped believing his past was entitled to determine his future.
Here is the short version that maybe I should have put at the top, but then some wouldn’t read the whole thing. I believe in God, and I still struggle. I have faith in Jesus, and I still get things wrong. I know the Holy Spirit is at work in me, and I still don’t always know what I’m doing. I don’t know how many pages are left in my story, but I know there aren’t an endless number of them, so I don’t want to waste what remains wishing I had been someone different; I want to spend whatever time God gives me loving my family, following Jesus, and finally stop trying to steal His pen that I was never meant to hold.
—————————————————————————————————-
My BeLoved, may the grace and peace of the Lord Jesus, the love of God the Father, and the communion of the Holy Spirit, be with you all. Amen. In Christ Love, douglas. HE>i. pastord.blog
Special Note: I want to thank those who read what I write and are encouraged to support the ministry God has entrusted to me either one time or have decided to give on a monthly basis. I am encouraged to see certain verses playing out before my eyes like what is written in *Philippians 4:16 For even in Thessalonica you sent aid once and again for my necessities. 17 Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that abounds to your account.*
To any who are interested, please feel free to reach out to me with prayer requests, questions, encouragement, or for information on how to come alongside me with financial support at pastord.blog@gmail.com or I do have a Zelle account associated with my phone number, 5202720387 last name Blaser. Thank you my Beloved for your ongoing prayers and support.
