Over the years there have been times when I felt that I was growing as a Christian, and yet at the same time felt susceptible to doing things that I did before coming to Jesus. I confess that there have been times in my life when I became uncomfortably aware that I was not who I knew I should be at that time of my walk as a Christian. There were times when I felt like I should be so much further along in my relationship with the Lord Jesus. I remember when I shared with a few of my brothers the nature of my temptations, struggles, and failures, and there were some that judge me and look for excuses to condemn me for being honest. Others said all kinds of bad things about me and not truly understanding that nothing they said about me was even close to what I said to myself when I looked in the mirror on a daily basis. These same people failed to look within themselves to see who they truly were before a Holy God and how their behavior toward me tarnished the name of the Lord Jesus whom they said they served. In times when I am in bitter quarrel with myself I fervently pray over what is written in *1 Peter 1:13 Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 14 as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; 15 but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16 because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.”* There are times that I am hard on myself because I know my heart before God and that at times it is wretched. The truth of the matter is that whether or not I like who I am doesn’t matter as much as understanding that God is still working with me, in me, and through me, and for that I am eternally thankful till the day I go to be with Him. I like what Rich Mullins said, “I would rather live on the verge of falling, and let my security be in the all sufficiency, the grace of God, than to live in some kind of pietistic illusion of moral excellence… My faith is in the idea that God and His love are greater than whatever sin any of us commit.” To all who hear these words and are convicted, if you are struggling and you have people sitting there watching you struggle and not offering to come alongside you to help and encourage you to draw closer to God, be aware…they are not your people, they are the enemy of the cross. In Christ Love, douglas. HE>i. pastord.blog

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